Self Respect vs Ego

I have been trying hard to distinguish Self Respect from Ego. Here are some of the findings which I feel differentiates the two:

Assertiveness=Self Respect
Aggression=Ego

Competing against Yourself: Self Respect
Competing against Others: Ego

Listening and speaking: Self Respect
Speaking and Speaking: Ego

Taking the responsibility: Self Respect
Blaming: Ego

Saying- I’m sorry: Self Respect
‘Silence’ when you commit mistakes: Ego

Use of polite language: Self Respect
Abusing others: Ego

Giving the deserved credit: Self Respect
Taking everyone’s credit: Ego

Appreciation and constructive feedback: Self respect
Fault finding: Ego

Sharing required information: Self Respect
Holding information to prove self importance: Ego

Focus on Objective: Self Respect
Focus on Person: Ego

I wish you to look at these differentiators from wider perspective. And you very well know, which one to adopt.

The (un)Objective Comment

“I loved Kites. Bollywood has come a long way.” I excitedly shared this with my friends.

“It’s bullshit. I can’t imagine Hrithik Roshan acting. Better you go and watch The Notebook. It’s true copy.” My friend Steven snapped.

I could imagine the conversation leading to argument and decided to change the topic. We started discussing how fantastic the pickup of BMW was which we were driving in.

After spending the fantastic evening in the Dubai bar, when we reached back the hotel, I was curious to know why Steven did not like Kites. I tried to probe and he endlessly reiterated that the idea was not original. I too am, not very appreciative of stolen concepts and agreed with him. However, I personally like Hrithik Roshan’s flawless performance and can bet it was one of his best. So, I added with caution, “ Where do you think Hrithik could have done better.”

“I just don’t like that nut.”

“But, you said his acting was bad.”

“I just hate the look of that six-fingered.” He snapped.
“How’s that related to his acting.” I questioned.

No answer. I assumed he did not know whether Hrithik’s performance was flawed.

This reminds that, over time our perception is built and it’s not easy to challenge them. This may sometimes stop from appreciating a great deed or celebrating a big achievement. If you still hate someone, ask yourself—WHY? If you don’t have an answer, look for something to appreciate.

Now, I’m trying to figure out why I hate Shah Rukh Khan so much.

Don't Express An Opinion, Don't HAVE An Opinion

Whether it be a Board room or a Drawing room, silence prevails on most critical issues. Someone out there knows very well to leverage it and decision is made, although unilateral, but is assumed democratic.

Just after the meeting, I notice tete a tete taking place among the dummies (as I call them), about how autocratic the decision was. They complain that an opportunity to think was not given to them, it was too hurried, they were not prepared etc. Hardly ever they admit that their silence has prompted one-sided verdict. My comment to them in a simple phrase is:

“If you don’t express and opinion, you don’t HAVE an opinion.”

I do not advocate the vedic verse- Maunam Sarvarth Saadhanam (Silence solves all the problems). I rather believe, Silence sprouts most of the crises. More often than not, Silence is assumed as consent than otherwise.

When I search the reasons for Silence, I get the following answers:

A. Dilemma
B. Reluctance to hurt someone’s feelings and
C. Inability to take responsibility.

Don’t misinterpret my expectation, I don’t hope one to be George Bush. I just wish, s/he must express what s/he feels. In each of these situations, I have tried and tested a few ways out, and they work. This is what I advise:

A. Dilemma: State that you are not sure, you need more time to have a stand. A delayed verdict is better than a wrong verdict.

B. Reluctance to hurt someone’s feelings: Think of the consequence if you are silent. If it is justified, then keep mum. However, others must note that your silence is not assumed ‘Yes’. If not, the truth must prevail and you get an opportunity to try out diplomacy.

C. Inability to take responsibility: Remember! The pivot of the world are those who can take a call. You may have to find reasons to justify but it’s well worth it. Don’t hush the leader to emerge from you.

Trust or E-mail

I hope you will agree if I say our communication have become too complex. SMS, web chat, Skype, emails, mobile and everything else associated with technology have rather added to the agony than making it easier.

It’s difficult to articulate the pain I undergo almost every day. Yesterday I needed to tell something sensitive to my colleague (her cabin is located 2 meters away) in a diplomatic manner, as they say. I nearly spent half an hour confused among three choices- Intercom, Face to face and email and as business goes, I ended up emailing, just to make sure I have a documentary evidence if things turn wrong. Without any delay, I got a reply with carbon copy to my Boss. I can’t challenge her aptitude, she proved smarter. She trusts others far less than I.

The erosion of trust has reached such a limit that more than expressing, we have started documenting. The more we try to use fancy corporate jargon to reach closer to manuscript our real intention, the higher others tend to misunderstand.

This reminds me how nice were days when people didn’t have choice to document. They would just meet face to face and sort out everything. I guess, they didn’t have an option, but to trust. I wish some technology brings that back. Life would be much simpler.

The Fighter

A beatifully written and truly inspiring poem. It does deserve five minutes of yours.

Love

Vivek

The Fighter

I fight a battle every day
Against discouragement and fear;
Some foe stands always in my way,
The path ahead is never clear!
I must forever be on guard
Against the doubts that skulk along;
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong.

I hear the croakings of Despair,
The dark predictions of the weak;
I find myself pursued by Care,
No matter what the end I seek;
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive;
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.

My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by Fate or Luck;
Some hour, perhaps, will bring my chance,
But that great hour has never struck;
My progress has been slow and hard,
I've had to climb and crawl and swim,
Fighting for every stubborn yard,
But I have kept in fighting trim.

I have to fight my doubts away,
And be on guard against my fears;
The feeble croaking of Dismay
Has been familiar through the years;
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!

By S. E. Kiser

If You Need Me..You're not Weak...You're Just Human

I was going through Paulo's blogs and this post caught my attention.

We as species do depend on others and ther's no wrong if you show it. Living like an island serves no one. It might create a illusion that you are stronger, that's it.

You must not miss this. Kudos Paulo! for sharing such a profound insight.

Vivek

Emotional Independance

“At the beginning of our life and again when we get old, we need the help and affection of others. Unfortunately, between these two periods of our life, when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of affection and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for affection, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and capable?”

The above words were said by the present Dalai Lama. Really, it is very curious to see that we are proud of our emotional independence. Evidently, it is not quite like that: we continue needing others our entire life, but it is a “shame” to show that, so we prefer to cry in hiding. And when someone asks us for help, that person is considered weak and incapable of controlling his feelings.

There is an unwritten rule saying that “the world is for the strong”, that “only the fittest survive.” If it were like that, human beings would never have existed, because they are part of a species that needs to be protected for a long period of time (specialists say that we are only capable of surviving on our own after nine years of age, whereas a giraffe takes only six to eight months, and a bee is already independent in less than five minutes).

We are in this world, I, for my part, continue – and will always continue – depending on others. I depend on my wife, my friends and my publishers. I depend even on my enemies, who help me to be always trained in the use of the sword.

Clearly, there are moments when this fire blows in another direction, but I always ask myself: where are the others? Have I isolated myself too much? Like any healthy person, I also need solitude and moments of reflection.

But I cannot get addicted to that.

Emotional independence leads to absolutely nowhere – except to a would-be fortress, whose only and useless objective is to impress others.

Emotional dependence, in its turn, is like a bonfire that we light.

In the beginning, relationships are difficult. In the same way that fire is necessary to put up with the disagreeable smoke – which makes breathing hard, and causes tears to pour down one’s face. However, once the fire is alight, the smoke disappears and the flames light up everything around us – spreading warmth, calm, and possibly making an ember pop out to burn us, but that is what makes a relationship interesting, isn’t that true?

I began this column quoting a Nobel Peace Prize winner about the importance of human relationships. I am ending with Professor Albert Schweitzer, physician and missionary, who received the same Nobel prize in 1952.

“All of us know a disease in Central Africa called sleeping sickness. What we need to know is that there is a similar disease that attacks the soul – and which is very dangerous, because it catches us without being noticed. When you notice the slightest sign of indifference and lack of enthusiasm for your similar, be on the alert!”

“The only way to take precautions against this disease is to understand that the soul suffers, and suffers a lot, when we make it live superficially. The soul likes things that are beautiful and profound”

Source: www.paulocoelhoblog.com

I Will Keep Trying

At my first job, I had a very dynamic and wise colleague who was recently promoted. I was curious to know what led to his promotion while many others could not succeed.
He said, “Interviewers asked me, what would you do, if a guy in your team is not performing despite your best efforts?”

Out of inquisitiveness, I asked, “how did u respond?”

He said, “I said, I will coach him again, help him out with his problems and try to raise his level.”

But the interviewers were not convinced, they asked again, “If the guy still doesn’t improve, what will you do?”

He said, “I will keep trying until he improves!”

I was not surprised. He was the best fit for the job.

What's Your Brand Name?

Nike, GE, Philips, Fed Ex, Ferrari, Toyota, Google, Rolex--- What do these brands known for? You’d say reliability, quality, good service, value, trust, innovation etc.

How did these words flash to your mind? Most of these companies have been in business for decades and have displayed these incredible characteristics over a period of time, which have created a niche in our memory.

Does this apply to us human beings? Oh yes!

In my behavioral training sessions, I ask participants to think of five adjectives what their family, friends and relatives will put before their name. This is a very powerful exercise which gives them an opportunity to see from a different eye. You can try this too.

Each one of us has created a brand image in the eyes of others and will continue to do so. Based on which our relationship is defined. Now, it is up to you to decide what do you stand for--- trust, reliability, innovation, energy or ---?

The Slum-kid Confidence

If I ask you to imagine a slum-kid what adjectives will you use to describe him? Dirty, hungry, beggars, dark-complexioned, half-naked, bathing in sewer, picking rags, working at a tea stall etc. Right?

One of the extraordinary traits these kids possess, which we miss to notice is Confidence. Go across any slum in India, be it a metropolitan city or a rural community, you will notice innumerable kids smiling, joking, playing, teasing, singing, cycling, pranking and doing everything else you can think with full of confidence, whereas parents in a posh locality, in the living room on the 35th floor of a multistory residential complex are looking for a counselor who could make their kid confident.

Now, the question is what makes the slum-kids confident? They live in inhuman conditions, suffer from malnutrition, and spend childhood in destitution. But, still they beat rich kids in confidence.

Here is the answer.

Confidence comes naturally if you have nothing to lose.

Probably this is the case with them. Their parents, often uneducated, doing 12-15 hour hard work for a paltry sum, have little or no time to bring up the kid. So, these kids live on their own. While the rich kids depend on others for even the simplest things done, Slum-kids do even the most daunting task themselves. The austerity of poverty leads to superiority.

Secondly, while the rich kid keeps toggling the keyboard of his Macintosh defeating some alien in a space game, the Slum-kid plays pranks, shares jokes, or equals the verbal taunt with a rogue neighbour. While the rich kid is twitting or writing a scrap in the virtual world, the slum kid does the same thing in the real world. The endless human interaction gives them an upper hand. Mind it! Doing things online is far easier than doing it on face.

Finally, these kids are not suppressed by the high parent expectations. They decide what they have to do. They choose their career, they want to be in. The freedom to take decisions, makes a lot of difference.

We are so busy with work or socializing that the kids befriends computer. We are so caring that the kid loses exposure. We are so ambitious that the kid renounces his dreams. It’s not the kids, should I tell who to blame?

Go! Think how can your brat develop the Slum-kid confidence. You already have clues now.

The Kick of Silence

We are always busy, either doing something or doing many things at the same time. Because of our own affairs or of others’. Multitasking is fad. I know a few, if they are not busy, they are restive. The least they do to be at peace is, pretend to be busy. It has gradually become our nature to stay occupied. We want to show that we don’t have time (my boss says, it gives a professional feel). We are so occupied that we don’t have time to think where we are heading. I don’t blame anyone. It’s human tendency to just carry on. No one likes to wait and ponder. We commit errors, we repeat errors, but still… on the same track.

My friend, Maria has no time to read instructions while signing up for online banking. She is just rushing and wants it ASAP. When she submits, it declines. She doesn’t read the error message, does some changes and submits again. It is declined again. This happens eleven times, before she realizes she is supposed to activate the debit card by making a call before signing up. Not surprised? It nearly happens to everyone in this fast-paced universe.

What could she have done? You know the answer. But, how many of us take time to think before we act? We generally forget: Busy doesn’t equal Productive.

If we could take some time to ponder everyday in silence, we will live a far more fulfilled life. Believe me! A kick of silence lifts us to an EXtra-ordinary life.

The Price of Hate and Pardon

I was going through Paulo Coehlo blog and found this piece very appealing.

"....I don’t know if I am capable of pardoning ingratitude so easily.”

“It’s very difficult. But there is no choice: if you don’t pardon, then you’ll think about the pain they caused you and that pain will never go away. I’m not saying that you have to like those who do you wrong. I’m not telling you to go back to that person’s company. I’m not suggesting that you start seeing that person as an angel or as someone who acted without any hurtful intentions. All I am saying is that the energy of hate will take you nowhere, but the energy of pardon which manifests itself through love will manage to change your life in a positive sense.”

Extracted from Paulo Coelho blog.

The Last Masterpiece

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family. He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house. Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, "This is your house... my gift to you."

The carpenter was shocked!

What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.But, you cannot go back.

You are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Someone once said, "Life is a do-it-yourself project." Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the "house" you will live in tomorrow. Therefore, Build wisely!